It isn't real, I died
by greyslove
Summary: So I tried something, I hope it's good, give it a shot and let me know. What happens after Lexa dies? Is she even dead? Or was it all a dream? *one shot*


It isn't real, I died:

The pain was excruciating. Contrary to what you might think it wasn't the fact that she had a bullet rip a hole in her stomach that was hurting her, nor the fact that she was dying when she was so close to her goals. No, what was hurting her the most to the point where she wished she was already dead was the fact that she was looking at the love of her life suffering. She couldn't take her eyes off of her even if it was killing her faster than the bullet inside of her. She could see the light in the eyes she loved so much starting to fade out and it was breaking her heart a thousand times more.

In her last moments, she was hoping that her death wouldn't break her love forever and that she would eventually move on. In those last minutes she wanted to tell her so many things. She wanted to tell her how much she loved her and that she was the one that she's been waiting for all her life. However, the only thing she could say was this simple sentence that she hoped would express everything she wanted to tell the blonde. But who was she kidding, there was no word that could express how she felt.

"You were right Clarke, life is about more than just surviving." She said with a small smile, trying as much as she could to reassure the blonde. She was okay with dying, she wasn't scared. She was prepared since she was little. She was glad she had the chance to meet the most amazing and breathtaking person on heart and that she was hers even for a couple of hours. The only thing she regretted was that they didn't have more time together.

She could hear the blonde next to her yelling at her to not give up and that she would fix her but Lexa knew that it was too late and that it was only a matter of time before she left her forever.

She could feel herself slip away, she was so tired she just wanted everything to stop. She couldn't hear nor feel anything until when she took her last breath, the only she felt were the plump lips of her lover mixed with tears from both of them forever engrained in her mind. The only thing she wished at this moment was that she will meet her love again where they would both be free of any responsibilities.

And with that Lexa was no more, the great commander was dead.

—

Opening her eyes, she was met with nothing but darkness. « so this is it » she thought « just nothing ». She was kind of disappointed, she was one of those who thought that there was something after death and finding herself in nothingness kinda made her regret dying so soon. That and leaving Clarke and their people behind of course.

Suddenly she heard something far away, she tried to focus on it until she realized that it was a baby crying. She froze when she felt something nudge her on the side. She didn't move scared of setting off something she might regret. However, she felt the nudge once again and this time it was followed by someone's voice.

« Lexa » the voice that came from next to her moaned. She would recognize that voice anywhere. « come on babe, it's your turn. » the brunette was lost, she didn't know what was happening. One second she was dying, the next she was in bed with the love of her life half asleep. Because yeah apparently she was laying in a bed and Clarke was laying next to her. She turned towards where the blonde was and if she focused hard enough she could see that Clarke was laying on her stomach with her face directed towards Lexa. Looking more at the blonde she could see that she appeared to be naked with only sheets covering her from the waist down. The sight made Lexa feel hot and swallow hard before she was taken out of her lust by the same blonde.

This time Clarke raised her head and tried to look at Lexa in the dark, her eyes squinting. « Lexa what's wrong? Are you ok? »

Lexa could only sit here looking at the blonde completely lost. Was she ok? She didn't know, physically, she felt ok, but her mind was a complete mess right now.

« Where the hell am I? » she whispered more to herself than Clarke, however, the blonde heard her and frowned before sitting up completely not caring about covering herself, now she was completely awake.

Lexa could see the shape of the blonde's breast and turned her head. Clarke noticed and was about to say something when the baby cried louder making her remember why they were awake in the first place.

« Give me a sec » Clarke said. Lexa was looking at her turning the bed side table lamp, get out of the bed and put on some shorts and t-shirt she found on the floor before disappearing out of the room. A few second later she noticed that the crying stopped.

Lexa took this opportunity to study her surroundings. She didn't recognize this place at all. Everything was too clean and in better state than everything she'd known in all of her life. She was in what appeared to be a bedroom, she was starting to get cold when she realized that she was naked too. She got out of the bed and put the short and t-shirt that she too found on the floor. She looked around and could see a picture of her and Clarke on the bed side table on her side. She walked out of the bedroom and found herself in a hallway, she could hear Clarke's voice, low and gentle, a tone she never heard from her lover. On instinct she was following the sound of her voice while still looking at her surroundings. There were pictures on each sides of the wall. There were pictures of Clarke and herself, some just the two of them, some with Clarke's friends. She was surprised to see herself smiling in those pictures, their surroundings didn't look at all like the world she knew.

She was confused, where was she? Was this life after death?

Lexa was brought out of her thoughts when she heard Clarke's voice. She realized that she was at the door of another bedroom. In front of her was Clarke with her back to her singing a song she didn't know while holding something in her arms.

« Clarke? » she called cautiously and the blonde turned towards her allowing Lexa to see the baby that Clarke was holding in her arms.

« Shh..She' almost asleep » the blonde answered before turning back again and resuming her singing.

Lexa could only stand here with her mouth open and looking at the child's room. A few minutes later Clarke moved to the bed and put the baby down before bending down to kiss her. Even though everything felt surreal, Lexa was mesmerized by the view, it was like everything she had ever dreamed of ever since she laid eyes on the Clarke she met for the first time in her tent.

Lexa was brought back to reality when she felt Clarke take her hand in hers and pull her out of the baby's bedroom. « Let's go to bed, love. » she heard Clarke whisper and she could only follow.

Once they were in their bedroom, Lexa finally regained her senses and stopped freeing her hand from Clarke's making the blonde turn and look at her quizzically.

« What is the meaning of this Clarke? » Lexa asked. She stood up straight and put her hands behind her back. She tried to channel the Commander as much as she could in sleeping clothes. Clarke looked at her surprised and then started laughing.

« Good one babe but its late and I'm tired. » Clarke said walking to the bed. « Can you get in bed so we can cuddle please? »

However Lexa was having none of it. She was confused and lost and wanted, no, needed answers now. « I am serious Clarke, what is this? Where am I? » she was starting to get frustrated and needed the blonde to take her seriously and give her answers. She knew that it wasn't the city of light since she went there every time she would meet with the previous commanders and it was always her and them. This looked so real, she didn't know what to think.

Starting to get worried, Clarke walked back to Lexa. « What are you talking about love? This is our bedroom in our house. » Clarke raised her hand to bring it to Lexa's face, but the brunette took a step back shaking her head side to side.

« No! » she stated firmly. « This is not real. You are not real. This is a test. I am dead, I died. » Lexa kept talking more to herself than to Clarke. She was trying to think about something she may have missed. « I died » she repeated « I felt it, I felt the bullet rip through my skin and you were there. » she said finally looking at Clarke who was looking at her with tears in her eyes. « you saw it, you saw me d-»

« Stop it! » Clarke shouted over Lexa. « you're not dead, you're alive » Clarke took a cautious step closer to Lexa before putting her hand on Lexa's shirt. « your heart is beating , you're not dead. »

Lexa was looking at Clarke, she could feel the blonde's hand on her chest and if she didn't know better she would have believed the blonde when she was telling her that she wasn't dead. But she couldn't have dreamed it, it would've been impossible. Dreaming of a whole life in a few hours?

Her gaze focused back on the blonde when she felt the warmth of her hand on her cheek. « Lexa, baby, what's wrong? What's happening to you? »

Green eyes locked onto ocean blues and Lexa could see behind the beauty of those eyes, the fear and worry hidden. She felt bad about what she doing to the blonde but she didn't belong here wherever here was.

« Please Clarke answer my questions. Who am I to you? What am I doing here? » Lexa asked for the millionth time, ignoring the blonde's own questions.

Clarke sighed bringing her hand to her side before walking to the bed and sitting on it. « You are Lexa Woods, my wife and we are in the house that we share with our daughter-»

« I knew it! This is not real. It is impossible for two women to have children. I knew it was a test. » Lexa said before running around the room trying to look for something that might seem off. « Becca! » she called « Pramheda, take me back! »

« Lexa! Stop yelling, you'll wake Sara up. » Clarke tried to shush Lexa.

« She will not wake up, because she is not real. This is all in my mind » Lexa was like a maniac. She figured it out but why would Becca test her like this. What was the purpose of this? Why would she make Lexa live out her biggest dream to then rip it out away from her? It didn't make any sense. It was just pure torture.

« Lexa! » Clarke yelled, grabbing Lexa's face with both of her hands. « Lexa look at me! ». When Lexa made eye contact with the blonde and she was sure that she had her attention, Clarke continued. « Lexa, please stop. You're scaring me. » By now the blonde had tears running down her cheeks. « Please Lexa, what's happening to you? This is real, you are real, all of this is real. This is our life, baby, come back to me. »

Lexa stopped fighting, she didn't like watching Clarke in this state, real Clarke or not. « I'm sorry » she said making Clarke release a sigh of relief. Without having any control Lexa's hands reach out to wipe Clarke tears away. « I'm sorry. » she repeated.

Whatever was happening she could try and figure it out later, when it wasn't the middle of the night as she just seemed to realize.

As if Clarke was reading her mind she said « We'll figure out what's happening to you tomorrow. For now please let's go to sleep before Sara wakes up again. » This time, Lexa let herself be pulled towards the bed.

When she got under the covers Clarke snuggled up to her, put her head on her chest and wrapped her arm around her. Even if it wasn't real it felt good to be sleeping next to Clarke and felling the blonde's warmth against her.

Surprisingly she soon felt herself sleeping into a deep slumber.

—

Clarke was the first one to wake up. She lifted her head from Lexa's chest and could see that the brunette was still sleeping. She frowned remembering what happened last night. Being half asleep she wasn't sure if it was a really vivid dream or if it really happened. However when she felt Lexa jump awake and look at her with surprise she knew that last night really happened and that her wife might have lost her mind.

To say she was scared was an understatement. She went to bed with her wife and woke up next to said wife saying that she wasn't real and that she was dead. Just thinking about Lexa dying gave her chills.

She looked at Lexa, studying her, trying to see if anything was wrong with her physically but she seemed fine, she looked the same. She watched as Lexa got out of the bed and walked towards the window. She could see the brunette's back tense but she didn't turn around. She could hear her whispering that it wasn't real, that it was impossible, that she was supposed to be dead. She could hear the despair in Lexa's voice and wanted more than anything to go to her and reassure her but she was scared.

Clarke didn't have the time to dwell too much when Sara started crying. She saw Lexa tense even more and and she sighed before getting up to go see their daughter.

It was when she was finishing changing the baby girl that she heard what appeared to be the front door slam. Clarke's eyes widened when she realized what happened. She took the baby in her arms before running to the door. However it was too late, Lexa was gone.

—

Lexa was running, she was running like she has never ran before. When she looked outside the window, Lexa was even more lost than she was before. She didn't recognize anything. Everything looked like the pictures she saw in the old world's books. There were roads and cars and she could see people living their lives. There were no horses, no ruins of old buildings, no war.

Was this really heaven? Was she rewarded for her work as Commander? But she didn't even get to finish what she started. Had the gods taken pity on her? Or was she given another chance to live the life she always dreamed of, where Clarke and her were free of their duty do their people and didn't owe anything to anyone? Was this their someday?

She kept running and she knew that people were looking at her but she didn't care. She kept running even if her lungs and legs were begging her to stop. She only stooped when she arrived at a beach. It was the first time she saw one. She always saw pictures and read books about it but she never had the chance to see one before dying. She wished she had, she wished she had the chance to bring Clarke to one but their time together was cut short. She felt a pang in her heart thinking about the last time she saw Clarke, the real Clarke, her Clarke. She looked so broken. Lexa felt tears running down her cheeks but she didn't bother wiping them off, she wasn't the Commander anymore, she was nothing, she was dead.

She stood there, with her feet in the sand, looking at the sea, watching the waves come and go. She stood there thinking about her life, what she did, what she still had to do and hoping that everyone would be ok without her, everyone, especially Clarke. She stood there until she felt something being wrapped around her and someone coming next to her. Looking to her right, she saw Clarke standing next to her. She wasn't looking at her, she was just standing there looking at the sea like Lexa did moments ago.

Lexa was looking at the blanket Clarke wrapped around her when she heard the blonde talk. « That's where you asked me to marry you. »

« It was not me» Lexa countered.

« It was. This is your favorite place, you always come here when you need to be alone, apparently hearing the sound of the waves helps you think. » Clarke said with a chuckle.

« Clarke-» Lexa started but Clarke didn't let her finish.

« It was you! Why would you have come here other wise? »

« I'm sorry Clarke but it is not me. I am not your Lexa. I do not remember asking you to marry me. I do not recognize any of this. I have never even seen the beach in my life. I do not belong here, I need to go back to my people, to my Clarke. » Lexa said whispering but Clarke heard her. And during all that Lexa could see the blonde still looking ahead, shaking her head with each sentence Lexa said.

Finally, Clarke turned towards Lexa. « I am your Clarke, I'm the only Clarke, there's no other. Lexa you had a bad dream, you need to snap out of this. »

Lexa didn't want to listen, she knew that the second she'll start to believe that everything was real it will all be ripped away from her and she knew she wouldn't be able to handle it. However, Clarke was relentless.

« Lexa, look at me. » She said and Lexa obliged turning towards the blonde and locking her eyes onto hers. Clarke took Lexa's hand and brought it to her chest like she did to her the night before « See? I am real. » Clarke said making Lexa feel her hear beat. « This, is real. » she said slapping Lexa, making the brunette jump back and bring her hand to her face looking at the blonde in choc. « And this-» Clarke then kissed Lexa. As soon as she felt the blonde's lips against her, Lexa closed her eyes and flashes of another life she has never lived before came flooding before her.

She saw herself meeting Clarke for the first time, not in her tent but in high school. Their first kiss, not in her tent just before going to war but in her car. She remembers the first time they made love, not in her bedroom at the top of the tower but in Clarke's bedroom while her parents were away for the weekend. She remembers graduating high school, going to college, moving in with Clarke, getting her diploma, Clarke getting her medical degree, finding a job, asking Clarke to marry her, marrying Clarke, buying their house, Clarke's pregnancy, their daughter's birth. She remembers a whole lifetime with Clarke. A whole life with love, loss, happiness, without war and duty and death. She remembers a life she never lived.

Clarke breaks out from the kiss, tears shining in her eyes. « And this, is real. » she said, one tear rolling down her cheek.

Lexa could only nod.

—

After that they didn't talk much. Lexa didn't know what to say. She was confused and lost. She had memories of two very different lives swimming in her head. She knew things she wasn't supposed to know.

Clarke suggested that they should go to the hospital to get her checked out in case anything was wrong with her brain. However, they didn't find anything, she was the perfect picture of health.

On their way back from the hospital, Lexa was looking at Clarke drive them back to their house. Thinking back about last night, she felt bad about what she put the blonde through. As any Lexa, she hated making the blonde cry and sad. « I'm sorry. » she said getting Clarke's attention.

« It's ok, as long as you're feeling better now. » Clarke smiled at Lexa before taking the brunette's hand to her lips. « I read somewhere that people can dream so vividly that when they wake up they have trouble dissociating what's real or not. That's probably what happened to you.» Lexa knew that it wasn't what happened but she didn't want to let Clarke know. She won't worry her again. She'll figure it out on her own.

When they got home, Lexa watched as Clarke walked to the living room where she saw who she now knew to be the babysitter. Clarke thanked her before paying her and taking the baby from the teenager's arms. Lexa couldn't help but feel her heart swoon at the sight of _her wife_ playing with _their_ baby.

She still couldn't believe it, she was married to Clarke and they had a baby together. A few hours ago she would have thought that it was just all a dream but now she could remember the day she married Clarke and the day their daughter was born like it all happened yesterday. Was this her life now?

—

Days past and nothing. Weeks past and nothing. Months past and nothing. Lexa was living this new life like she never knew anything other than that, like her memories of the Commander didn't exist. The more time she spent wherever she was the more her memories of what she called « her old life » were getting blurry. However, one thing kept playing on repeat every time Lexa closed her eyes at night. She kept relieving her death over and over, she kept seeing the teary blue eyes of the woman she loved more than she ever loved anyone. She would feel the press of the blonde's warm lips against her cold ones before jerking awake in the middle of the night with said blonde wrapped around her, sleeping soundly.

She tried to act like nothing happened, like she didn't have nightmares about her own death every night, like she was only one Lexa, the Lexa married to Clarke with a baby. Lexa the college professor and not Lexa the Commander, the nightblida's mentor.

Despite trying to act like everything was normal, Clarke noticed the changes in Lexa. She saw how the brunette would stand straighter, be quieter, the faraway look that she sometimes had and the restless night she had practically every night. She also noticed how Lexa was more gentler and careful while handling their baby. She was already gentle and careful but now it was ten times more. It was like she was scared of the child suddenly vanishing. To say she was worried for her wife was an understatement but she didn't want to say anything, she was hoping that with time the brunette would eventually talk to her.

Eventually, like Lexa predicted, with time everything became more and more normal to the point that she stopped thinking about when the other shoe will drop. She was enjoying her new life, she liked the calm and monotony of it. She loved falling asleep and waking up next to Clarke every day. She loved having a child, a part of her and Clarke. She loved having her own family and taking care of it.

For once she was living and not surviving.

—

It is usually when we don't expect something to happen that said something do happen and changes everything forever.

In fact, everything was great until the day it wasn't.

Lexa, Clarke and Sara had just finish grocery shopping like they did every Wednesday afternoon. Clarke was settling Sara in her car seat while Lexa was finished putting the groceries in the trunk of the car. She closed the trunk before turning to the cart and started pushing it to take it back with the other store carts.

Lexa was walking looking ahead until she heard someone scream at her to watch out, she turned her head to the left and saw a car speeding right at her. She didn't have the time to react that she felt the car hit her full force, propelling her in the air.

Everything happened in a blur. One second she was fine, and the next she found herself on the ground, every part of her body hurting. She had trouble breathing. Her vision was blurry until she heard the voice of her wife and her eyes were able to focus on the blonde woman kneeling next to her. She felt her wife's hands on her face trying to get her attention and keep her awake.

« Lexa! No- oh god, Lexa! » Clarke was sobbing frantically looking at Lexa, trying to assess the extent of her wounds. « Lexa, baby, please stay with me. »

In that moment Lexa was reminded of the first time she died and how Clarke was desperately trying to save her like this Clarke was trying to do now.

She knew then and she knew now that is was pointless and that nothing could prevent her from dying. She chuckled making herself choke on her own blood. « Guess the other shoe finally dropped » she said to no one in particular.

She looked at Clarke and with every ounce of strength she had left she lifted her hand to Clarke's face making the blonde stop and focus on her. Like she did in what seemed an eternity ago, Lexa smiled at Clarke before telling her. « My time has come hodness. » Being to overwhelmed by everything that was happening, Clarke didn't notice the foreign word leaving Lexa's weak lips and shook her head, refusing to accept what Lexa was insinuating.

« No, no! You're gonna be fine, I'll fix you. The ambulance is on its way. I need you to stay with me until it arrives. ok? » Clarke said pushing Lexa's hair out of her face. « Don't leave me please. I need you. » Clarke kept sobbing.

Lexa's heart was breaking all over again seeing the pain she was causing to Clarke for the second time. Like the first time, Lexa had so many things she wished to say to Clarke but she didn't have the strength nor the words to express herself. After tasting was it was like to live with Clarke and having, loving their baby, leaving was hurting Lexa more than she thought possible.

When everything stopped hurting, Lexa knew that it wouldn't take long now and she needed Clarke to know. « Remember Clarke, life is about more than just surviving. » She said before feeling her eyes drop.

She slipped away to the sounds of Clarke sobbing and screams muffled by the sound of the ambulance.

And just like that Lexa was no more once again. Lexa woods was dead.

—

The first thing she felt was the searing pain in her stomach, then it was the dry throat.

Slowly Lexa tried to open her eyes but the bright light was making hard for her to manage to keep them open for more than a few seconds. After a few tries she managed to keep her eyes open and she was met with the cracked ceiling of what looked like to be her bedroom in the polis tower. She could even feel the fur under her fingers. She turned her head to the left and was met with a mass of blonde hair sprawled on her bed next to her left hand. She would recognize that head anywhere, from any angle.

Suddenly, she remembered everything and her heart ached. What sick game was this? She was exhausted. She couldn't do it again. She won't be able to leave Clarke for the third time.

She didn't notice when it happened but she felt the tears running down her cheeks and soon she was full on sobbing.

She saw the the blonde head jerk awake in her sleep, the fog clearing from the blue eyes and being replaced by surprise and then happiness. « Lexa.. » She heard Clarke say before she felt the familiar arms wrap around her, she felt safe in the familiar embrace and scent.

Lexa cried, she cried until she had to tears left to cry, she let out all the feelings she had bottled up since the first time she died, all the anger, frustration and pain she ever felt. She cried until she fell asleep to Clarke's voice soothing her and reassuring her that everything would be ok.

Next time she woke up, Clarke was still there and the blonde told her everything that happened. She told her that contrary to what Lexa thought, she didn't die but just lost consciousness due the the loss of blood and that soon after that Nyko and Lexa's guards came. Clarke told her that the guards took Titus away and that with Nyko's help and the contribution of the older nightblidas of black blood she managed to stop the bleeding and fix Lexa like she promised she'll do.

_So, it was all just a dream? _Lexa thought. But it was so real, what was the point of all this? It was only later that night with Clarke in her arms that Lexa finally realized something.

After everything Clarke and her went through, real or not, after knowing what it's like living with Clarke and not just surviving, Lexa was ready to do that now. She'll do everything she can to have a life with Clarke. A life that looks as much as the one she « dreamed » of.

Lexa, the Commander of the twelve clans was finally ready to live.

—

_Somewhere far far away, maybe in an other universe, who knows?_

_The brunette jerked awake at the same time as the blonde sleeping next to her. They both looked at each other with confusion written all over their faces. _

_« I had the weirdest dream. » The brunette said to the blonde who looked just as lost as her. _

_« Me too but it felt so real. » the blonde replied. _

_They both looked at each other without really looking at the other, too lost in their own thoughts. It was the brunette who snapped out of it first. _

_«Mmm… whatever, let's go back to bed before Sara decides to wake up. » She said settling back in their bed and opening her arms for the blonde to lay on her chest. _

_It wasn't long before they were both fast asleep wrapped in each other's arms. Each holding the other a little bit tighter than what they used to._


End file.
